My Story

Light, knowledge, understanding, enlightenment, these are all ideals we hope to find in this life. We hope that we are on the right path. But what happens when the belief system that you were raised with, that shaped and formed your perception of the world, wasn’t the ideal that you thought it was? When the phrase, “What in the hell is going on?” becomes part of your common vernacular. I’m sure there are a few of you who can relate. So where to begin… I guess a little background would help.

I was born and raised in the LDS faith, otherwise known as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (at least in modern-day history that is). My childhood appeared to be quite typical; parents who worked hard, yet weren’t perfect. We camped, hiked, fished, and hunted, really most outdoor activities were part of our social fabric. My mom was more reserved, my dad was often very strict with a little bit of a temper that was passed through the generations. That personality trait alone has taught me many lessons later in life. The Boy Scout program dictated most of our activities from the ages of 11-18. At the age of 19, I served an LDS mission to the Southern coast of Spain. I still can’t get over the food we ate, wow!! Countless lessons were learned, including a few things of what not to do. Those are stories for another time… maybe.

When I returned home, I took up college life and chose a degree that would help me support a family, which quickly came shortly after I met my wife. We were married about five months later in the LDS temple. Our first son was born nine months and one week after the wedding. You do the math. From there we lived the typical struggling student life. Finances, jobs, life, and relationships were all before us to figure out what it all meant. In contrast to my father’s career, where he stayed in the same job and home for over 42 years, our family moved 10 times, attended 13 different church congregations, and had at least 6 job changes in only 21 years. During that time, I served in a variety of church callings: Primary teacher, Young Men’s leader, Elder’s Quorum assistant, and Scoutmaster four different times. My last calling was as a High Councilor where, in the span of two and a half years, I went from the newest member to the most senior member of that council. Missionary work was my primary responsibility as I helped lead the efforts in seven different wards; boy did we work hard.

During this time there have been what I would consider “undercurrent” beliefs and ideas that didn’t really align with the traditional views or the culturally held belief system of the church. There were things that didn’t always sit right with me, but I justified them because it was drilled into me from a young age that you didn’t question authority. And if you do, well, then you are the one who’s going down the wrong path.

This collection of essays is an attempt at expressing the journey I’ve been on for the past several years, even decades of my life. The things I have learned, and continue to understand, have strengthened my faith in Jesus Christ, the Godhead, and all of Elohim, which includes our Mother in Heaven. I feel more comfortable relying upon the Holy Ghost to confirm truth, and I have come to understand, through hard experience, that all men and women are imperfect and can lead you astray. Nephi, a Book of Mormon prophet, was very aware of the deception that would come in the last days, even prophesying many of the things happening today. Toward the end of 2 Nephi 28, the Lord instructs all of us how to avoid deception and where we can place our trust:

30 For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have.

31 Cursed is he that putteth his trust in man, or maketh flesh his arm, or shall hearken unto the precepts of men, save their precepts shall be given by the power of the Holy Ghost.

The need to seek for and receive enlightenment and truth through the Holy Ghost is illustrated beautifully through the apocryphal writings of an old traveler who brought customs with him to a new people. These people found some of his teachings to be good and others to be false. One highly controversial topic he espoused was polygamy. This was the old man’s response after taking the matter to the Lord:

“Yea, all my life I have sought wisdom from the sages of my people. So great was my searching that my own people began even to call me sage. Yet, my wisdom was just a repeating of the traditions of my people. You have taught me a great test of wisdom. From this time forth, I will submit all things to the confirmation of this Holy Ghost of whom you teach. For, I have sat with my ancestors and sought wisdom from them in this place you call the Way. And all the things they taught me were good in my sight. But, when I prayed that the truth of them be known unto me by the power of the Holy Ghost, I found that certain of the things I had been taught were truths and still others were mere traditions. And how is a man to sort truth from tradition? It cannot be done by genius. For a man does not have all the information needed to make a qualified decision. Wherefore, because our ancestors have the weight of generations behind them, we accept their beliefs as truth. But still, because a thing has the weight of generations in practice, this cannot signify that the thing is true. For, I know of nations whose practices are most abominable. Yet, their ways have been practiced by them for many generations.” (The Book of Manti 3:32, Mentinah)

In the LDS church today, we have the “weight of generations” behind us and often find ourselves with incorrect traditions that have crept into the policy and doctrine. Because of what I was seeing and feeling I began a more intense study of the words of ancient prophets, the teachings of Jesus Christ, and the history of the Restoration. What I discovered was quite shocking, to say the least. The tapestry that began to take shape in my mind was far different than what I had been raised with. I began to realize that the LDS church often disregarded truth as taught in the Book of Mormon. Because of this, I have had countless in-person and online conversations that have been quite revealing. One overarching idea that has been revealed to me is that our perspective of an idea, doctrine, or policy makes all the difference. If the lens with which we perceive information is skewed, then the truth we are striving to gain will also be distorted. We cannot truly love the Lord and follow truth if we are beholden to a lie.

One concept that I feel prompted to convey is that we are each on our own individual journey. Our plan for this life was specifically tailored to our needs and we had a hand in what that looked like. So, if you want to start pointing fingers you may start with yourself. For some people that may sound harsh. I mean, why are some cursed with wealth and luxury while others are enslaved by poverty and deformities? All I know is that my journey for truth has opened up my mind to the idea that we are all progressing at different stages and levels. The path for one person is not necessarily the right path for another. The eternities are grand in scope, and we often fall into the trap of confining our progression into this mortal probation.

The scriptures teach of a “straight and narrow path”, and we could surmise that everyone must conform to that certain path and that it is a seemingly difficult path to stay on. But in reality, the path we are striving for is to come unto Christ with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. It is imperative that we experiment upon the Word, as spoken from heaven and ratified by the Spirit. As we begin to see the fruits of our efforts we can learn and progress, even tasting the sweet joy of God’s love as we progress on our journey of ascension.

The past 2 years have accelerated my process of learning and growth in a way that is difficult to describe in words. As events unfolded it became very clear in my mind the powers of good and evil were at play. If you had asked the former me of a year ago if I thought I’d be where I am today, I would have thought you were taking crazy pills. After experiencing these changes it has become difficult to relate to those former beliefs and dogmas. Ideas and traditions that appeared to be pillars of resolution are now piles of dust. 

Recent events have also tested and tried my resolve to follow the promptings of the Spirit above those of church leaders. In certain ways, I was given an ultimatum from God. “Do you want to follow me and what the Spirit has witnessed to you, or do you want to follow men?” This was a test of faith that opened my eyes to where I should place my trust. Who am I accountable to and what have they prompted me to think, feel, and believe? Due to the request of a church leader, asking me to “sustain” them in doing something the Spirit told me was wrong, I was forced to make a choice. I could either comply with their request or listen to God. I chose God. But it wasn’t easy.

For most of my life, I had been conditioned (programmed is probably a better word) to listen to and follow authority figures. I was that good ‘ol church boy who told friends and family that we never decline a calling, ever. So, I knew my decision to not follow my church leader, and listen to the Spirit, would result in a parting of ways. That is when questions and doubts began to arise. “You never tell a church leader no.” “But what are they going to think or say about you?” “They’re going to think you’ve lost your testimony.” “Are you having a faith crisis?” These thoughts and feelings added very real weight to my soul. And I’m not joking about that, I could feel the intensity of the emotions and the struggle from within.  

I needed relief. I could hardly think of anything else. That is when I found myself on my knees in prayer speaking to my Heavenly Father. I poured out the thoughts and feelings of my heart. I remember asking questions. I knew what I needed to do, but lacked the strength to do it. At some point during this experience, I visualized the weight and burdens that were vexing me. I could see with my mind this oppressive energy and I asked Father that it be placed upon an altar. I was willing to sacrifice past beliefs and incur the judgment of others to follow the Lord. I asked that the atoning sacrifice of Christ help heal me from this burden. At that moment I felt a literal weight lifted from my soul. The anguish and heartache were replaced with calmness and peace. It was at that moment that I became very aware of the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for me and the love He had for me. He was willing to suffer so that I could find relief, so that I could receive strength.

It was at this point I asked to be released from my calling on the high council and risk offending man rather than God. The decision really was mutual. My church leaders wanted someone who would sustain them. I needed to follow the promptings I had been given. In subsequent months I questioned this leader about the “safe and effective” claims coming from government and religious leaders with regard to the “you know what.” I was promptly invited to repent. Twice in fact, in the same email. This is when I began to awaken to the realization that it is often due to incorrect beliefs, cultures, and traditions that we place the precepts and teachings of man above and beyond the teachings of the Savior. For most church leaders, that statement is as distasteful as a mouthful of cattails.

Sitting idly by while the events of the world unfold around me is not part of my spiritual composition. I have prayed often for the courage and strength to stand for what I feel to be true. The God I know and praise is a loving God. I cannot see Him condemning me for following the promptings I have received and in striving to lift myself and my brothers and sisters above the darkness and into the light. I keep asking myself, “What are your motives and true intentions?” I think we’d all do well that ask that question often btw. When I write on a topic that exposes darkness (false cultures, traditions, or incorrect doctrines), it is my intention to help open hearts and minds to the truth. And I’ll admit, I’m not perfect at it, horrible at times in fact. And when I write on a topic that reveals light, I hope to open hearts and minds to ideas that aid us in our progression of becoming like our Heavenly Parents. My love for truth runs deep and I sympathize with a good friend who recently exclaimed, “I am tired of swimming in shallow water.”

George Albert Smith once said, "If a faith will not bear to be investigated, if its preachers and professors are afraid to have it examined, the foundation must be very weak." A companion quote comes from J. Reuben Clark, “If we have the truth, it cannot be harmed by investigation. If we have not the truth, it ought to be harmed.” I know that if we live any doctrine or teaching it will bear fruit, good or bad. We must evaluate the nature and quality of it and gauge whether to plant more seeds.

In the end, I hope to bring people to Christ. I offer my own witness of the divine nature of the Peacemaker, the Savior, our Advocate with the Father. I have felt the cleansing, healing, and joyous fruits of His atoning sacrifice. I have felt His love for me in a very deep and profound way. It is that connection to Him that has compelled me to share the feelings of my heart and mind. Love is what motivates me to share what I do. And with that, I pray that God will bless each of us in our own personal journey on our path to ascension.

Shalom

Disclaimer: Only a small portion of my thoughts and feelings are contained within this essay. It is nearly impossible to condense a lifetime of study, thoughts, and impressions, into a few paragraphs. I value and encourage the need for altering perspective as new light and knowledge is acquired. One of the best ways to know a person’s heart is to sit down and talk face-to-face, perhaps while consuming a mild barley drink.